This is It. And no, sorry doesn't cut it.
HopelessWell my life fucking sucks, and has been for quite some time. I try and keep shit like that away from my journals, but you know, fuck it.
Here's my sob story, sorry to those of you who dont give a flying you know what, and I have no excuses.
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I have this boyfriend. In fact, this boyfriend whom I love very much I even consider him marriage material. He'll be having his birthday soon, and as long as I have known him he has been an addictive smoker. Not like a pack a day or anything like that. But he still did it. And he knows I hate it. At first I did what most people do wrong, they nag about it. Then come the idle threats. Blah blah blah. Then I figured that if he was going to beat this addiction, I had to be there to support him. Well, I did. Multiple times. He tried to quit, and at the most accomplished about a week or more cigarette free. Whenever we would visit he promised not to smoke around me and I believed him. The first and second time he did just that. The third time, not even close. I was there for barely one day and he got stressed out and smoked right in front of me as I cried and wondered why he wanted to hurt me. I understood the fact that he was stressed, and yes, I did take into account the fact that when I was visiting him at that time he wasn't really trying to quit. Good, fine, happy and dandy. I don't tolerate people I can't trust. I hate liars with a passion, and he'll probably call me a hypocrite. In fact, he's the only person I have ever let past my boundaries.
Then some hard times came through, I was planning this big move to be with him. In fact I had basically thrown everything to the wind on my side, just to be with him. Stupid I'm sure most of you are thinking, but I didn't have very much anyway. I have no family to speak of, no friends except those on the internet and they are few now that I closed my website (which by the way, thanks to those of you who said you were my friends on there and then never said one word to me after), and not even a job since the economy is down shit. So I guess in my eyes at the time, it didn't matter. But, I got turned back at the Canada border. So, back to step one for that basically. And here I still sit, day after day and I feel that I have absolutely no purpose to speak of.
But that passed, as all things do, and as I'm sure this will too; and we got back in the same routine of things. Well as routine as long distance relationships can be. And recently to my surprise, he actually made an honest effort to quit smoking. I played along of course not believing that anything would come of it. Surprise once again, he had actually quit. I was so happy, so fucking ecstatic. And he did it all on his own, the praises came flowing. Really I can't even explain how happy I was and the way he talked about it, he was happy as well. So if anyone here has ever read some tragic book before, then Im sure you can guess what happened. Yeah, he smoked again. Just yesterday in fact. I get these feelings when things happen. We have this yorkie that I had a dream about while I was visiting my boyfriend, in my dream she got her one leg ran over and broken. I came home and the leg was broken to my utter surprise, but by a horse not a car. Other times I had horrible feelings about the day, and something bad would always happen. But yesterday actually the day was quite good. I had a really great night on the phone with him. And then tonight, the feeling came. Just this horrible doubt-filled sort of pain almost. At that point I pretty much knew. So I asked and was told what I already had known.
This really isn't so much about sob sob poor me. This is about the fact that TRUST is key. How can anyone keep with something that continuously hurts them, but loves them at the same time? What is that even mean? I don't know really, I do know that despite it all I still love him and always will. But I just don't know what to do anymore.
Sorry to bother you all.
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"Even if the voices aren't real, they have some very good ideas."
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Clubs: =ManipulateThis, *DA-KennelClub, ~EssentialEquine
Stock account: ~suntanna-stock ~da-joint-stock
stock used here ^_^
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don'cha wish your Sig-na-ture was HOT like MINE!
so pretty proud to present now, the finished product [here]. so i think it turned out great so thanks a bizallion!!! your stock is amazing!!!
PS- oh yeah, this is only my second manip ever. what do you think?
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~~skyrider94~~
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I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
[link]
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My motto: "good enough."
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I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
[link]
[link]
[link]
Thank you!
You play Oblivion and Halo.
Your fav movie is V for Vendetta.
You drink milk <3.
You love Regina Spektor = We need to start chatting more (again) !!
you know you want to..
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My motto: "good enough."
But yeah, Im always willing to talk, send me a note or something, or heck get on msn one of these days when Im not sleeping! haha
--
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
[link]
--
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
[link]
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